Self-Eulogy
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Welcome, one and all, to my own memorial ceremony, hosted by me, since none of the rest of you cared enough to do it apparently. My ghost was tethered to this Earth so that I could round you up and provide my own eulogy speech and not be forgotten.

I see a few of you freaking out, because you’ve never seen a ghost before, but let’s be honest — if anyone was going to become the first undeniable sighting of a ghost, it would be me. You may all calm down now.

Now that the niceties are taken care of, let’s get on with the speech. Welcome, to my grandfather’s mansion! I have kidna— brought you all here and laid out this nice dinner for you. I was a vegetarian in life, so all I had for you was fruit and veggies, unfortunately. Look at the plants upon your plates and think of them as me— for we both grew from a seed, the seed of Life.

I was born a good number of years ago, I don’t even remember how many, like, 50 maybe? I had a pretty short life. I think it was in mid-December in the early 1960’s, probably. Racism and all that business was only just starting to decline. It’s a miracle I didn’t become some kind of bigot, unlike most of the rest of you.

I was always kind of nervous about addressing your beliefs with all of you, but now that I’m dead I can criticize you all I like, since you can’t do anything to me! By the way, I met God, and they were pretty chill. They said that all that stuff you “good-natured Christians” are making a fuss about actually doesn’t matter and you’re all just wasting your time and money. They didn’t do anything about it because they thought it was funny.

I’m getting off-topic— this isn’t about all of you, this is about ME! As I was saying, about my early life, I grew up pretty poor and y’know, I stayed pretty poor for all my life, but I’d like to think I did some pretty major things. More than most of you, anyways.

Look at the mashed potatoes on your plates— that’s your sense of empathy, mashed up and disfigured beyond recognition. Some of you are looking around confused, because you don’t have any mashed potatoes on your plate, and well I’ll just say, if you’re too dumb to draw any conclusions about what THAT means, then you should probably go get that checked.

Speaking of intelligence, I’d like to say that I think I was pretty smart. Definitely not the smartest person in the world, but y’know. Definitely not the dumbest either. Most of you in this room hold THAT title.

My time here is running pretty short now, so I’ll wrap this up real quick— Dying was one of the best things that ever happened to me, I disliked you all heavily, (since hate is a strong word) and I won’t be waiting for you on the other side! I’ll be hitting it up with God, sipping a pina colada, while most of you will be burning in hell and participating in Satan’s reading club. He has very poor taste in literature.

Oh, one last thing— I had a murder mystery set up, because what point is there in being trapped in a haunted mansion, without a good old fashioned murder mystery? Congratulations, you’re all in a horror film now! Good luck!

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